been busy lately

together with my sister, i have a new venture, i can't purely say it is a business venture, but it does have some monetary renumeration. i hope this get off the ground well. right now we are still going through the usual hardships. laying out the plans, starting out birth pains. soon though i hope it all goes well.

i really need this to work. i want to stop slaving in the corporate world by this time next year.

there, i'm putting it out there.

good vibes please!

my freedom lost

i need to do some serious venting today, for starting tomorrow, i relinquish my freedom.

i was assigned to a new position, added work, no added perks. what's worse is that i don't know anything about the new job assigned to me and the ones whom i expect to teach have already resigned or transferred to another division. meaning i am left with nothing. no other choice but to receive the blame. and did i mention that by being assigned to that job i bypassed a number of hopefuls... meaning i am now the center of their ire, whether they admit it to my face or not.

i find myself in this difficult predicament.

they hate me, i hate my boss, i hate my job, i hate myself for not acting acting fast enough and being true to myself, and admitting to my boss that i cannot accept such a responsibility. i don't care much for my career, as i've written so many times before, i hate my job. it's just that i have no other choice. i don't know how to do anything else. i barely know what to do with my present job anyway. i am lost.

i need a new career path. i need to get rich quick, so i can resign from work and still provide for my little girl's needs. i need a miracle.

the kids of today

it amazes me sometimes, the kids of today. i get to read their thoughts in their blogs and it just blows me away, how deep their thoughts are, how good at writing they are, how in touch they are with themselves... and yet here i am, a mom in my 30's, and yet still so clueless about my life.

scary.

having doubts

i am having doubts. i have always been like this. i procrastinate. i dilly dally.

what if i am not good enough to be a writer. i am not really a good anything. i'm not the best mom, wife, daughter,sister, friend,employee.... i'm nothing.

can i really claim to be a writer when i'm not really good at it? i am just really interested in doing it. personal essays. i love to write these types of essays because they serve as outlets for my venting. writing releases some steam and unloads some thoughts i can not really say out loud. it is a way to get around my uber shyness. i jsut really like to write about myself. does that constitute being a writer? does that justify my dreams of being a writer?

i have bought tons of books about being a freelance writer, a feature writer, making a killer query letter and a lot more. i am so overwhelmed. i have always thought that this is the perfect profession for me since i am so shy because all you have to do is face the laptop. boy, was i wrong! to be a good writer, you have to interact with lots of people, experience life, in order to get materials and ideas for topics to write about. and then there is the issue of getting an interview... argh! how will i do this?

right now, i still have no answer. i still love to write about myself. i will just keep a tight upper lip and keep trudging on. i will just continue to write and practice my writing.

i will continue doing the thing i love to do.

chico garcia's blog

i frequent chico garcia's blog: strange fruit. it just so funny and witty, just like chico himself.
for those who do not know him, he is the other half of the morning duo on radio, chico and delamar. their show is called the morning rush, on 93.1 RX monster radio.

i've followed them through the years as they transferred radio stations. they are just sooo funny. lately though, they are getting more sleazy than ever... all the more fun i say! woohoo!

by the way, i am happy to share that chico and delamar are officially icons of our generation. as proof: their show is included in wikipedia! check it out here!

i'm stumped

for the first time since starting this blog, i'm stumped! i can't think of anything at all to write about. and so i am writing about that... being stumped.

i guess you can call this a writer's block... if i am actually a writer.

oh well.

let us enrich our vocabulary!

i have decided to regularly post some words and their meaning so that we can all enrich our vocabularies. here's my first post:


most of our words have a greek or latin root source. i will share the root source and then define words that are related to that source:

LOG- from the greek word logos, meaning "word, speech, reason".

Eulogy - A speech in praise of someone, often of someone who died.

the prefix eu- means well and good, a speech discussing the positive attributes of the one who has passed on in a funeral or a memorial service is called a eulogy, although you may also eulogize a living person.

Monologue - a speech or dramatic scene spoken by only one person.

dramatic monologues often let a character talk openly about himself or herself.

Neologism - a new word, usage or expression

e.g. such neologisms as cyberspace and virtual reality came from the computer technology.



source: Merriam-Webster's Vocabulary Builder

the poem of my heart

The Lie

by Wikket

Woke up this morning

Trying hard to hide my melancholy

I joined you for breakfast

And we continued our lie

Every day it is similar

You are cheery

And so am I

Our terrible lie

Can you imagine a time

When we awoke and did not speak

Realizing our moods would cause tension

Tension caused by too little life?

I do wish sometimes

As I leave for work sullenly

Dreading the day already

Weeping far within

The lie, terrible and unending

Would cease to be

And I would know the real you

And you the real me

But, the lie drags on for now

For it is not written in the stars

And perhaps it will never be

I am my own companion

The dreaded truth

Gathered in a lifetime

Sentenced for an eternity

Realized too late

you didn't greet me on valentine's day

i was so into valentine's day in the past. i was into being given something special, and giving something special. this is year is different for me.

no surprises. no flowers. no fancy dinners. no nothing. no effort at all to make me feel special. Seven year itch? hmmm.

have we drifted apart? why is there so much tension always between us? i am not happy anymore. you don't say you're sorry anymore, you don't try to pacify me when i'm upset. you just sit on your side, brooding, while i get more upset because you're not trying to comfort me. you don't say i love you over the phone anymore.

what's wrong? i don't even know what you're feeling. i don't know what burdens you carry. i don't know what goes on in that head of yours when you stare at nothing in particular.

i do know one thing... you didn't greet me on valentine's day this year.

BA in Journalism

i am thinking of taking my "career" a notch higher, i'm thinking of taking up further studies in our community college. BA in Journalism. hmmm. sounds pretty major.

our course this plan of mine is not without complications. i am again being disturbed by the logical side of me, why in the world would i take up journalism??? do i intend to have career in this industry? (maybe) do i think i can make it? (sure!) why, i mean really, why? (for personal fulfillment, yep, no monetary rewards, just the contentment of taking up something i am interested in. --- enter another problem: if i just want to further study, why not take up a course that will complement my degree? maybe something in computers. i've spent 10 years of my life grudgingly crunching numbers anyway... journalism is a field for the young and strong willed... not for the middle aged wife and mother suffering from a mid life crisis.

now what?

i am more depressed that when i began writing this blog entry.

i really want to be a better writer.

i want to feel alive again.

what to do? what to do?

memoirs of a geisha

i recently caught memoirs of a geisha on HBO, I was excited since I always wanted to read the book, and yet again, I never got around to doing it due to time constraints.

I watched the movie from start to finish. I was excited to watch Ziyi Zhang and Michelle Yeoh together again, they were great in Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon. I also wanted to watch Ken Watanabe, I fell for him ever since I watched The Last Samurai, so elegant and regal. Watching him made me want to bow down whenever he is shown on the screen.

Anyway, back to the movie, the movie traced the life of Chiyo, a little blue-eyed Japanese girl who was sold to a geisha house when she was nine. Her older sister was no as lucky and was sold off to a whorehouse. I loved that the people in charge took time to consider little details like little Chiyo actually looked like grown up Chiyo, in fact they could’ve been real life sisters. (they were not. I checked). A series of unfortunate events prevented her from getting proper geisha training and became the house’s servant girl, much to the delight of Gong Li’s character. Mameha (Michelle Yeoh) then took Chiyo under her wings as her new protégé, and taught her everything she needs to know about being a geisha. Chiyo, motivated by her need to be near the Chairman (Ken Watanabe), was a very eager learner and soon blossomed into the most popular geisha in Japan. It was soon after that she found out how a geisha’s life really is, the sacrifices and sadness behind the glitz and glamour.

The movie very subtly educates the watcher as to what it really is to be a geisha. It stresses the point that geishas are in fact not celebrated prostitutes but living and moving works of art. It also shows how the virginity of a new geisha is to be granted to the highest bidder, in hopes of paying off her debts. The most popular geishas are “kept” by “patrons”, and they are considered lucky. These issues are tackled matter-of-factly in the movie. It is shown that this is how it was back then. They were sexual beings, to be bought only once, watched and appreciated but not to be touched, unless you are willing to be a “regular” then you are given some privileges other clients are not allowed to do. Hmmm… seems to be very similar to the P word…

The movie was set in picturesque Japan. I had a little problem in understanding their lines, they were delivered in English, but the actors don’t really enunciate very well, especially when they talk fast.

So what do I think? I liked it. Not really dreamily-floating-on-clouds-love-it, but still, I liked it. I’m always biased on movies with great settings, add to that wonderful actors… I just have a problem with the concept of true, inspiring, heart-wrenching love that will endure all pain and tears, only after spending a couple of minutes with the guy over some sweet ice. But that’s just me.

why do i blog?

one of the most memorable days of my life was when i finally got wired! the day my dsl connection was installed almost brought tears to my eyes. why? because, no matter how introverted i am. i can now be in touch with anybody and everybody in the world!

i started blogging immediately. actually, i already had a couple of blogs going, but none of them were actually noteworthy. i became serious with blogging when i finally started having visitors in my blog, these visitors eventually became friends. it is a good feeling. being able to share and ehem.. brag about random stuff about my family. this was enough for me, for a while, but then i started feeling uneasy. i started feeling the urge to do something more. i then realized it was the call to write. and finally, i responded.

and so i opened this blog, primarily to practice writing, i hope to make writing friends too. i also wanted a little anonymity, so i don't divulge my true self, this way i am unbridled. i blog so that i can literally write down stuff that pops in my crazy head. i read somewhere this is how you practice.... just by writing. i blog so that i can have a venue to share my future masterpieces. i blog so that i can unload my thoughts, my feelings, my queries. i blog because it makes me happy. i blog because it relaxes me. i blog because it unclogs my tired brain cells. i blog because blogging gives me a voice, who cares if no one listens (reads).

i am grateful that i live in the digital age, where everyone can be a self proclaimed writer.

so the real reason i blog? i blog becayse in my blog, i am a true blue writer, and no publisher or editor can tell me otherwise.

bakit ako

indulge me. let me write share this one... in my native Filipino.

bakit pag ikaw ang walang pera, ang pera ko ay pera mo.
bakit pag ikaw ang may problema, ang problema mo ay problema ko.
bakit pag ikaw ang may kaaway, hanggang huli, kampi lagi tayo.
bakit pag ikaw ang nahihirapan, para sa yo lahat gagawin ko.
pero ihip ng hangin biglang nagbabago, pag ako naman ang nangangailangan sa iyo.

pag masaya, pag maluwag... tayo, tayo.
pag bayaran na, pag problema na, ako na lang, solo.
sasabihin mo pa, di na tayo nagmature. are you sure?
palibhasa wala na naman akong pera, kaya ang tayo balik na naman sa ako.


wag kang magsalita, talo.
magsalita ka, talong talo.
tanggapin ko na lang kaya. ito ang kapalaran kong sadya.
magbayad ng utang, maghagilap ng pera, mamroblema, lumuha.
tama, wala nang magagawa.

di nga ko sinusuntok, di nga ko sinasampal.
pero bugbog pa rin ako, kahit saan ako lumugar.
sugatan ang puso, puno ng pasa.
wasak na ang pagkatao, matang wala nang iluluha.

dapat lagi na lang akong meron, para sa mata mo'y may halaga.
dapat laging nakangiti, malungkot ma'y wag pahahalata.
dahil pag wala akong pera, pag ako naman ang namomroblema
pag ako'y dapang dapa, yukong yuko
imbis damayan, anong maaasahan ko sa iyo?
drama, iyakan, tapos babaliktarin mo lang ako...
muli na naman akong makakarinig mula sa yo...
"bakit ako? lagi na lang ako?

atonement

i just watched the movie. i was hoping to read the book, but since i just have no time, i just opted to watch the movie instead. to sum my opinion of it, it was depressing and yet strangely, i liked it.

it is a story set in old england with snobby rich families having snotty, bratty kids. there was this one kid who early on had a knack for being a writer. she even wrote her own play, with plans of actually getting her cousins to act on it. this suggested that she has a very creative mind and rich imagination. a series of events then unfolded before her eyes and well, she interpreted them differently than they actually are. she judged, and she over reacted, and she condemned.

the rest of the movie was spent on unraveling tales of misery and sadness by everyone involved on that fateful summer evening.

the setting was great. the trees and seas helped a lot in depicting the contrast between the characters' despondent state and the lush and breathtaking surroundings. it was particularly striking, when the movie showed that scene in the forest, where everything was green and fresh, and then all of a sudden there were about fifty children, wearing black, laying on the grassy floor, massacred. it still gives me shudders.

i loved the actors. kiera is great as always. james mcavoy was also wonderful. they little girl was really annoying which tell a lot about her acting... really realistic.

atonement. i loved it. a sad movie with lessons and great scenes and acting.

A rebellious act

I always considered myself a good daughter. I never made friends with the wrong crowd. I acquired no vices while growing up. The only rebellious act I can remember doing is having a boyfriend at 16, when my mom explicitly told me not to.

I didn’t do it to actually diss my mom. It’s just that I felt I was old enough to make my own decisions. (although looking back, 16 doesn’t seem to be that mature now).

I am a strong believer that when you meet the right man to spend the rest of your life with, you’d want the rest of your life to start as soon as possible. That’s exactly what I had written down on our wedding invitations, eight years after my tearful confrontation with my mom.

Hubby is the living evidence of my single rebellious act, and well, it seemed to be all worth it, he’s proven himself through the years. It’s just that I met him a few years too early, and was afraid to let him go even considering our young ages.

So what if I’m tagged as a rebel at some point in my life, it resulted in my happy ever after didn’t it?

commited i am

Like stones, words are laborious and unforgiving, and the fitting of them together, like the fitting of stones, demands great patience and strength of purpose and particular skill.

Edmund Morrison


that's it. i have decided to commit myself to my craft. yes, i my mind i will consider myself as a budding writer. i will learn and practice, and then learn and practice some more.

i am not in it for the fame and money, but for the personal gratification that i have done something with my life. i am a writer, and i will write!

butch dalisay in the flesh

i was wandering about in powerbooks trinoma last saturday when i saw they were having a presentation of sorts. i then heard a man with a deep, solid, confident voice explaining something. ( i too caught up with the velvety voice to actually listen) hehehe. i kept on wondering who is he? is he a political figure? a media practitioner? i was not really sure, but having his talk inside powerbooks, he definitely has something to do with the written word. so i kept on hovering about. after a few more minutes, the talk was over, and the moderator introduced the mysterious speaker as the distinguished mr. butch dalisay.

i was in awe. i have one of his books. i read his article in the newspaper. he is a writer advocating the art of writing. my kind of guy!

too bad, that i made a sad realization. i think i am too shy to ever be a writer. in my mind i kept on kicking myself... why didn't i approach him? take his picture? talk to him?

how can i ever get into writing when i am too shy? how will i get stories? interview sources? argh! so frustrating! shyness is an occupational hazard i have to get rid of.

too bad. i hope i meet him again. probably by that time i would've read his book.

finding time

being a "writer" is not easy. it is very time consuming. you really need to choose to spend time everyday just for writing. as they say, writing is like playing a musical instrument. you need to practice everyday to learn your craft before you can actually get better.

i will do it.

i will be a writer.