Let me share something. Let me just get this off my chest. I told myself that I am a proponent of the secret. Law of attraction and all that. So I am going to declare that I am happy with my life. I am debt free. I am living in
Universe, are you listening?
Caffeine has finally settled in. my nerves have gone haywire. I just dropped everything I had, one after the other, like a comedic moment, like a comic relief. First my cell phone, then my umbrella, and finally my book. All the while making a ruckus in the quiet café I was sitting in.
My heart is now pumping fast. I feel a rush! Although what I’m feeling is just a fake one, a caffeine rush, this must be similar to how it feels when you do something passionate for. Hmmm? When will I feel that? When will I feel passion for something? Sure, I feel strongly for my loved ones, but sometimes I wonder what it feels like to be driven by a force so strong, it would be impossible to ignore it. I want to feel what Michael Jordan must have felt for basketball, or Tiger Woods for golf.
My job barely induces any emotion from me. I don’t have that many interests or advocacies. I wanted to support cancer groups a few years back (in memory of my mom) but I realized I still felt resentment towards cancer survivors. (boy, I thought I was over that) I’m into blogging and digital scrapbooking, but what I feel does not really reach the passionate level.
Hmmmm. Maybe that’s why my life has no direction. There is just no drive to do something and to strive to be good at it. I am just not moved by anything so strongly, that I would feel that life would not be complete if I were not doing it.
What am I good at? I am a nerd. I love books and yet I have piles and piles of unread books at home. I can barely remember the previous books that I did read. I’m a failure to all nerds in the world.
I got good grades when I was in school. I was a consistent dean’s lister in college, I graduated top 7 of my whole college batch. Yet I didn’t like accounting enough for me to pass the CPA board exam. I was good in both Math and English. Science too. That’s why as a child, I wasn’t really sure which path to take. I didn’t know what I wanted to be. What I was sure of is what I didn’t want to be. No medical courses for me. (the sight of blood or someone in pain makes me hyperventilate) nothing that involves public speaking or dealing with people either. (I was extremely shy, still am). I don’t want to sound ungrateful to my parents for having paid for my college education but I just hated accounting. I mentioned this once to my mom, and she looked really hurt. (she was the one who said I should take up accounting) I never mentioned it again, at least never out loud. But my heart knew the truth. Yet, here I am, working for 11 years in a bank, an officer of the accounting department no less.
Sometimes I feel bad, for not having the passion for accounting. I’ve seen colleagues who simply live and breathe accounting. My father is so proud of his accounting training, he attributes his money know-how to this. I, on the other hand, with no budget sense at all, up to my eyeballs with debt, and with 2 failed CPA board exams under my belt.
So I hate accounting, that much I am sure of now. What do I want? The answer to that one I’m not so sure.
I like to write. I wanted to take a writing course, still do. But I’m afraid that they will focus on creative writing, I’m more of an essay kinda girl. I’m afraid that creative writing entails a vivid imagination, mine has long since died, the right side of my brain has long since atrophied. I love reading stories, but I’ve never written a short story in my life. Maybe, I just never tried.
I like English. There was a time when I felt I was facing a fork in the road. I wanted to drop (escape) everything that has to do with accounting, and try teaching. I’ve been told time and again that it is never too late for a career change. As in I was seriously going back to school to earn a degree in education (actually that option is still on the table, being considered, not as seriously though) But then it dawned on me, I may not have the patience for teaching. I’ve heard it often referred to as a vocation. I may not be so noble. Or maybe I’m just afraid to waste years of my life with yet another mistake.
Often I regret that life is just passing me by. I’m not getting any younger. So what do I want? What do I want to do with such burning fervor? When will I get the guts? What makes my blood race and my heart skip a beat? When will I ever discern what I want to do with my life? When will I finally get to feel that celebrated PASSION?
Have you seen the news on TV? A 13 year old boy became a father when his 15 year old girlfriend gave birth to a bouncing baby girl. Baby-faced Alfie Patten and his girlfriend, Chantelle Steadman became parents to a 7lb 3 oz baby girl whom they named Maisie Roxanne. One good thing about this story is that the kids, barely into their teens, said that they never considered abortion. When they found out that Chantelle was pregnant, Alfie thought “it would be good to have a baby”. Being parents for only a couple of days, I don’t think the gravity of their predicament hasn’t dawned on them yet. When he was asked whether he knew how much diapers cost nowadays, he said he has no idea, but “ I think it’s a lot!”.
What is our world coming to? Yeah sure, during our grandparent’s time, they also married young. But those were different times. People were more responsible. They knew they were responsible for their actions and tried their darn best to establish their family through good ‘ole hard work. They didn’t stay home all day playing playstation.
Oh well. Life is funny like that. Some people are desperate to have babies. Some children are already having children of their own.
Oh well.
I was going through my pseudo-library at home when i chance upon my writing book, one of my favorites: Writing Down the Bones by Natalie Goldberg.
I bought it at a used bookstore for a hundred and twenty bucks. A lot less than other books I bought about writing. But of all the books that I have about the topic, but I can say it addresses my needs as a starting (hoping) writer more than the other more expensive books I own. It advocates one thing: write and write and write. Write on paper, write on the computer, write at home, at the office, on the train, it doesn’t really matter how and where you write, just write. Write everyday. Write about anything. Don’t be conscious about grammar, margins, composition. Just write what you feel like writing about. Who cares if you’ve been writing about a dull old flower vase in your room for five days in a row. If this is what inspires your to write, go ahead and write. There is just one important rule to follow in her book… write and write and write.
I’ve blogged about this book before, in fact, this is the reason why this blog came to be. i love to write. I made this blog so I can write down whatever pops in this crazy head of mine. although I think I’m a true blue child of the digital age, since unlike other writers who like it old school, I get more inspired typing down my thoughts than actually writing them down on paper. i am a little bit jealous of other writers when they write about their romance with pens and papers. I tried a number of times, bought a number of notebooks, but I failed miserably. I just can’t relate. Too bad, the experience seems so pleasant. So I just go with what I am comfortable with. i blog about my thoughts and I do my spur of the moment writing on my pda. I think the media is not important, as long as I get to write and write and write.
It’s Friday, the day before valentine’s day. I see guys and girls carrying bouquets for or from their loved ones. I overhear them talking about their valentine’s plans. I find myself envying them. Time was when I would eagerly go to work because I would expect delivered roses, or a surprise lunch date, or at least roses from hubby in the car… then a marriage happened, and then I find myself going for the practical route. I know how expensive flowers can be during this season, and how crowded restaurants can be. Sure, I still received flowers during the early years, but then (stupid me) I actually told hubby I wanted to be practical. so there were years when I opted to stay home with hubby. I reasoned we go on dates during regular non-valentine days anyway. No romance lost I guess.
Now, I find myself secretly hoping for something special this valentine’s. sure, budget is limited, it doesn’t have to be expensive, I just want something to mark it as a special night. It doesn’t have to be the usual dinner and movie kinda thing. I just want to do something out of the ordinary. It’s not that I’m bored already, it’s just that recently, hubby and I haven’t been spending as much time as we should. He has been so busy at work. I just want to reconnect with him. There’s no harm in wishing…(fingers crossed) =)
True love causes pain.
Jesus, in order to give us the proof of his love, died on the cross.
A mother, in order to give birth to her baby, has to suffer.
If you really love one another, you will not be able to avoid making sacrifices. –Mother Teresa
So don’t go moping around feeling bad if your loved one causes you pain… if it hurts, endure it, it must be true love…. =)
We have a saying that nothing in the world is permanent, except for change. That is so true. You may be living quietly in your own little world, then all of a sudden, a force outside of your control shakes you up and life changing decisions are made for you. When this happens, you are actually facing a fork in the road. you may either throw a tantrum, be angry at the universe and rebel. Hate and blame everything that moves and breathes. Or you may take the high road, take everything as a challenge, take it as an opportunity for a clean start. Accept that change will be hard, but trust in a Higher Force that you are at the right place at the right time. Everything happens for a reason. Accept and be grateful.
Looking back, a lot of things about my life have changed this past year. Last year, I was moaning and groaning about how boring and stagnant my life was, how stuck I was in a rut, how I hated my job and how jealous I was of friends who had the guts to quit the rat race already. Now, a year after, I am an officer in a job I still hate (hehehe), but am now more grateful. God made me realize that there definitely IS a plan for me and my family. There is a reason why I was too scared to quit my job, why we weren’t able to submit our immigration application years ago, why the sale of our lot did not push through, and why we are still financially struggling. I realize now that I am exactly where God intended me to be, He has plans for me.
Change in our lives does not necessarily mean a bad thing. It just means that our plans are not aligned with God’s plans.
Be brave, take a deep breath and face CHANGE head on.
Diet sodas have no calories at all, much like water. And we all know how important it is to get in the required minimum 8 glasses of water each day. So, does this mean that it is safe to chug down diet soda? Can it be considered a healthy, fat-fighting drink, it having no calories and sugars at all?
Not really. Through studies conducted through the years, it has been found out that people who drink beverages with artificial sweeteners like aspartame may actually eat more food than those who drink the regular sodas. Drinks with empty sugars are pretty much nutritionally useless. Most diet colas are carbonated and may cause intestinal problems when taken too much. Most of them also contain caffeine, and this can lead to eating more since caffeine lowers your blood sugars. It can also make you thirst more because of increased urine output.
In my opinion, diet sodas can lead to to weight gain because since you still get to taste that sweet taste, you are setting yourself up for indulgence. Your body doesn’t feel like it is on a diet, it lets its guard down. You get tempted easily and you make poor dietary decisions. It is pretty much why when you are on a diet you surround yourself with healthy stuff, to remind your mind and your body to be always on guard, to make the right decisions.
If you must have a diet soda, limit it to once a day, a couple of times a week. It’s definitely not the same as water and it definitely does not have the same benefits that water has.
