the universe is sending me a different message

i tried sending my dreams of being a writer out to the universe. the law of attraction and all that. but the universe has been sending me a different reply... not the one i expected.

earlier this year, i was willing to give up on my so-called career and try to give my life a makeover. i was planning on taking courses about topics that i care about.. for a change. i was willing to explore the possibility of me as a another person. maybe i wasn't meant for the corporate world. maybe i wasn't fullfilling my destiny. God knows i've been so miserable the past decade.

just as i was going through the finishing touches of my plan in my head, a series of events started to unfold... until i found myself in the midst of the biggest career boost in my 10 year career. before i even knew it, i was assigned to a sensitive position at the office, i was up for interview, i was recommended for a promotion. all these happened withing a couple of weeks. i was just lazily doing my own thing, minding my own business, keeping pretty much to myself when this happened.

so what now?

back to the old grind? put the writing dream in the back seat and start concentrating on "more serious" stuff?

argh!!! just when i thought i had it all figured out!

having doubts

i am having doubts. i have always been like this. i procrastinate. i dilly dally.

what if i am not good enough to be a writer. i am not really a good anything. i'm not the best mom, wife, daughter,sister, friend,employee.... i'm nothing.

can i really claim to be a writer when i'm not really good at it? i am just really interested in doing it. personal essays. i love to write these types of essays because they serve as outlets for my venting. writing releases some steam and unloads some thoughts i can not really say out loud. it is a way to get around my uber shyness. i jsut really like to write about myself. does that constitute being a writer? does that justify my dreams of being a writer?

i have bought tons of books about being a freelance writer, a feature writer, making a killer query letter and a lot more. i am so overwhelmed. i have always thought that this is the perfect profession for me since i am so shy because all you have to do is face the laptop. boy, was i wrong! to be a good writer, you have to interact with lots of people, experience life, in order to get materials and ideas for topics to write about. and then there is the issue of getting an interview... argh! how will i do this?

right now, i still have no answer. i still love to write about myself. i will just keep a tight upper lip and keep trudging on. i will just continue to write and practice my writing.

i will continue doing the thing i love to do.

BA in Journalism

i am thinking of taking my "career" a notch higher, i'm thinking of taking up further studies in our community college. BA in Journalism. hmmm. sounds pretty major.

our course this plan of mine is not without complications. i am again being disturbed by the logical side of me, why in the world would i take up journalism??? do i intend to have career in this industry? (maybe) do i think i can make it? (sure!) why, i mean really, why? (for personal fulfillment, yep, no monetary rewards, just the contentment of taking up something i am interested in. --- enter another problem: if i just want to further study, why not take up a course that will complement my degree? maybe something in computers. i've spent 10 years of my life grudgingly crunching numbers anyway... journalism is a field for the young and strong willed... not for the middle aged wife and mother suffering from a mid life crisis.

now what?

i am more depressed that when i began writing this blog entry.

i really want to be a better writer.

i want to feel alive again.

what to do? what to do?

depression era

yes, the depression continues. christmas day is getting nearer and yet i see no happiness in sight. i put up our tree this weekend, thinking that a bit christmas spirit might creep in my dark dark heart, and yet still nothing.

i am so darn sad. is this a physical thing? maybe i have an imbalance of sorts. what will i tell the doctor should i have myself checked up? doc, i am sad all the time. what 's wrong with me? am i going to be ready with whatever his answers will be? what's wrong with me... the list might be toooo long.

is there a cure for unhappiness? mid life crisis?

please tell me...soon. coz i feel like i'm actually losing it. i feel like i am nearing the end of my sanity. being so unhappy can't be healthy right?

please. let me snap out of this...

worries.worries.worries.

Nothing erases unpleasant thoughts more effectively than conscious concentration on pleasant ones. - Hans Selye

i am sooo stuck with my life. i've got nowhere to go. i'm neck-deep in debt. barely breathing. barely surviving. i am desperate. hmmm... suicide by billboard along edsa, sounds enticing. i know this is a stupid and self-defeating thought. just rambling i guess. when you worry a lot, you have a very strong tendency to dwell on the things that might go wrong.

i need to look at the bright side. try to concentrate on that. look, really look for the silver lining.

again, just rambling.