my freedom lost

i need to do some serious venting today, for starting tomorrow, i relinquish my freedom.

i was assigned to a new position, added work, no added perks. what's worse is that i don't know anything about the new job assigned to me and the ones whom i expect to teach have already resigned or transferred to another division. meaning i am left with nothing. no other choice but to receive the blame. and did i mention that by being assigned to that job i bypassed a number of hopefuls... meaning i am now the center of their ire, whether they admit it to my face or not.

i find myself in this difficult predicament.

they hate me, i hate my boss, i hate my job, i hate myself for not acting acting fast enough and being true to myself, and admitting to my boss that i cannot accept such a responsibility. i don't care much for my career, as i've written so many times before, i hate my job. it's just that i have no other choice. i don't know how to do anything else. i barely know what to do with my present job anyway. i am lost.

i need a new career path. i need to get rich quick, so i can resign from work and still provide for my little girl's needs. i need a miracle.

pain is not my friend.

just got back from the hospital. my complaint: terrible back ache.

i went to the hospital hoping to find explanation and cure why the heck i am feeling this much pain... only to find none. i was just given pills for the pain.

i commuted on my way to and from the hospital. it was only now that i really understood the depressing state of our local roads. i felt every bump on the road, i felt it on my spine. every pothole we fell into, i felt the shooting pain in my back! why oh why is our roads so FULL OF EF-FING HOLES!!?? grrr....

when you are in so much pain, it makes you appreciate little things in life. walking about pain-free. being able to reach down without clutching your back. sitting down, standing up, then sitting down again all within seconds, aahh, all blissfull memories for me now.

please let this pain stop. as if i am not riddled with enough emotional and mental anguish, physical pain is sooo hard to endure. ahhh... please... take the pain away.

worries.worries.worries.

Nothing erases unpleasant thoughts more effectively than conscious concentration on pleasant ones. - Hans Selye

i am sooo stuck with my life. i've got nowhere to go. i'm neck-deep in debt. barely breathing. barely surviving. i am desperate. hmmm... suicide by billboard along edsa, sounds enticing. i know this is a stupid and self-defeating thought. just rambling i guess. when you worry a lot, you have a very strong tendency to dwell on the things that might go wrong.

i need to look at the bright side. try to concentrate on that. look, really look for the silver lining.

again, just rambling.

scary stuff

an explosion... again, and this time i doubt it has anything to do with methane gas! a bombing right where our congressmen hold their offices, public officials, people who are actually powerful, these people are getting bolder and bolder. and i guess our security in general is getting weaker and more lax. grr... what now? the people in authority always advise us to keep up with our daily activities, not to cower in fear, and show these terrorists that we are not afraid. easy enough to say huh? with all their body guards and security detail while us, NORMAL people, keep on living our normal lives, exposed to all the dangers... just trying to put on a brave face.

whatever. only in the philippines.

someone is rocking the boat

there has been a new guy at the office... and he's fast making "friends". he talks is a very loud voice... often drilling, not asking, our co-workers. he's supposed to be learning from us... but instead of trying to learn from us... i makes us feel like we're so stupid... and he is the almighty gift of God to all bankers in the world!!! grrr.... mr. bigshot... grrr...

don't they care whether the rank and file are happy or not... as long as the work gets done. so proactive...not, huh?

and please, do not attempt to smile at us because it comes out as a silly, irritating smirk... your reputation spread like wild fire even before he took post. bad, bad stories...

i just wish he leaves us alone.

a new strategy

ok, so the entertainment plan didn't pan out... but then again, almost most of my endeavors end up this way...it doesn't mean i'd throw in the towel and slither away... i will just put it in a drawer in my crazy head for safekeeping, someday when i am goin' crazy out of boredom, i'll take a peek in that drawer and we'll see what i can do...

ok, that said, what do i intend to do now? write. write. write.

about what you ask? anything and everything.

ok, so what about that glorietta blast? hmmm... i was away busy with something when that happened. thankfully i was faaaar away from "ground zero"... so i didn't really get what actually happened except when i passed TV sets along the way... there was a blast... there were casualties... they were pointing the blame to a friggin' LPG... nope, wait a minute, it was definitely a bomb... nope, stop the presses... it was actually SHIT.

too bad, people got hurt with what? shit. it was one hell of a freak accident. death by feces.

although, i am still not entirely convinced that menthane gas ? and diesel brought about such destruction, a little voice in my head keeps on saying "it's just damage control... it is REALLY a bomb!" ... but then who listens to that little voice in my head anyway, just one of my maaany personalities trying desperately for some exposure time...