let me start again

hi blogging world! i'm back! it has been a while since i posted. the holiday buzz and my work kept me from my blogging. so how is life? boring and dead dry as always.

my dreams of being a writer? dreams still.

hope this becomes reality soon. i hope to take formal lessons.

this has not been a very good start for the new year for me. i was depressed on christmas eve, and on new year's eve. not a very good sign of things to come? i hope not!

i keeping a stiff upper lip. i'm trudging on.

depression era

yes, the depression continues. christmas day is getting nearer and yet i see no happiness in sight. i put up our tree this weekend, thinking that a bit christmas spirit might creep in my dark dark heart, and yet still nothing.

i am so darn sad. is this a physical thing? maybe i have an imbalance of sorts. what will i tell the doctor should i have myself checked up? doc, i am sad all the time. what 's wrong with me? am i going to be ready with whatever his answers will be? what's wrong with me... the list might be toooo long.

is there a cure for unhappiness? mid life crisis?

please tell me...soon. coz i feel like i'm actually losing it. i feel like i am nearing the end of my sanity. being so unhappy can't be healthy right?

please. let me snap out of this...

crappy day

of all the days in a year, a person's birthday is the worst day to make her crappy. i am so sad.

depressed

i am a sad sad sad person.
a person struggling for control and yet this elusive control keeps slipping off my fingers.
i am a sad old person, declining rapidly everyday.
i am nothing.
not a good mom. not a good wife. not a good daughter. not a good sister.
i am not good.

i am a person out of control.

i am worthless.

i am in a very dark place.

whath the heck is wrong with her?!

i used to really like linday lohan. i loved her movies, her songs. i loved her. she was so energetic, enthusiastic, on her way to mega stardom. of course being in the mickey mouse club was another plus. with THE MOUSE backing you up, who can go wrong (later, i did realize, the mouse was a bad judge when it comes to character, right britney?) then all of a sudden, controversies started sprouting out of nowhere like muchrooms in the wild. drugs, wild party, booze. what? is this the same cute girl who drove herbie? the same one we rooted for in mean girls? the one we laughed with in freaky friday? the adoralbe little lass in parent trap? yep. the same girl who has been in and out of courtrooms and rehab, and recently did 84 minutes of jailtime (wow, shocking! blech!)

what the hell is your problem woman? where the heck is your family amidst all these? why are you running around drinking booze, running over cars and garbage cans ? why are being such a wild thing? molested as a child? personality dilemma due to parents' divorce? poor little rich girl without any true friends? whatever the reason, gettahold of yourself! you are too young to self-destruct. you plenty of time to do that in you 30's-40's. get a grip. count your blessings. and for God's sake, stay away from the liquor cabinet!

here she is, like herbie, fully loaded!

pain is not my friend.

just got back from the hospital. my complaint: terrible back ache.

i went to the hospital hoping to find explanation and cure why the heck i am feeling this much pain... only to find none. i was just given pills for the pain.

i commuted on my way to and from the hospital. it was only now that i really understood the depressing state of our local roads. i felt every bump on the road, i felt it on my spine. every pothole we fell into, i felt the shooting pain in my back! why oh why is our roads so FULL OF EF-FING HOLES!!?? grrr....

when you are in so much pain, it makes you appreciate little things in life. walking about pain-free. being able to reach down without clutching your back. sitting down, standing up, then sitting down again all within seconds, aahh, all blissfull memories for me now.

please let this pain stop. as if i am not riddled with enough emotional and mental anguish, physical pain is sooo hard to endure. ahhh... please... take the pain away.

worries.worries.worries.

Nothing erases unpleasant thoughts more effectively than conscious concentration on pleasant ones. - Hans Selye

i am sooo stuck with my life. i've got nowhere to go. i'm neck-deep in debt. barely breathing. barely surviving. i am desperate. hmmm... suicide by billboard along edsa, sounds enticing. i know this is a stupid and self-defeating thought. just rambling i guess. when you worry a lot, you have a very strong tendency to dwell on the things that might go wrong.

i need to look at the bright side. try to concentrate on that. look, really look for the silver lining.

again, just rambling.