depression era

yes, the depression continues. christmas day is getting nearer and yet i see no happiness in sight. i put up our tree this weekend, thinking that a bit christmas spirit might creep in my dark dark heart, and yet still nothing.

i am so darn sad. is this a physical thing? maybe i have an imbalance of sorts. what will i tell the doctor should i have myself checked up? doc, i am sad all the time. what 's wrong with me? am i going to be ready with whatever his answers will be? what's wrong with me... the list might be toooo long.

is there a cure for unhappiness? mid life crisis?

please tell me...soon. coz i feel like i'm actually losing it. i feel like i am nearing the end of my sanity. being so unhappy can't be healthy right?

please. let me snap out of this...

crappy day

of all the days in a year, a person's birthday is the worst day to make her crappy. i am so sad.

depressed

i am a sad sad sad person.
a person struggling for control and yet this elusive control keeps slipping off my fingers.
i am a sad old person, declining rapidly everyday.
i am nothing.
not a good mom. not a good wife. not a good daughter. not a good sister.
i am not good.

i am a person out of control.

i am worthless.

i am in a very dark place.

whath the heck is wrong with her?!

i used to really like linday lohan. i loved her movies, her songs. i loved her. she was so energetic, enthusiastic, on her way to mega stardom. of course being in the mickey mouse club was another plus. with THE MOUSE backing you up, who can go wrong (later, i did realize, the mouse was a bad judge when it comes to character, right britney?) then all of a sudden, controversies started sprouting out of nowhere like muchrooms in the wild. drugs, wild party, booze. what? is this the same cute girl who drove herbie? the same one we rooted for in mean girls? the one we laughed with in freaky friday? the adoralbe little lass in parent trap? yep. the same girl who has been in and out of courtrooms and rehab, and recently did 84 minutes of jailtime (wow, shocking! blech!)

what the hell is your problem woman? where the heck is your family amidst all these? why are you running around drinking booze, running over cars and garbage cans ? why are being such a wild thing? molested as a child? personality dilemma due to parents' divorce? poor little rich girl without any true friends? whatever the reason, gettahold of yourself! you are too young to self-destruct. you plenty of time to do that in you 30's-40's. get a grip. count your blessings. and for God's sake, stay away from the liquor cabinet!

here she is, like herbie, fully loaded!

pain is not my friend.

just got back from the hospital. my complaint: terrible back ache.

i went to the hospital hoping to find explanation and cure why the heck i am feeling this much pain... only to find none. i was just given pills for the pain.

i commuted on my way to and from the hospital. it was only now that i really understood the depressing state of our local roads. i felt every bump on the road, i felt it on my spine. every pothole we fell into, i felt the shooting pain in my back! why oh why is our roads so FULL OF EF-FING HOLES!!?? grrr....

when you are in so much pain, it makes you appreciate little things in life. walking about pain-free. being able to reach down without clutching your back. sitting down, standing up, then sitting down again all within seconds, aahh, all blissfull memories for me now.

please let this pain stop. as if i am not riddled with enough emotional and mental anguish, physical pain is sooo hard to endure. ahhh... please... take the pain away.

worries.worries.worries.

Nothing erases unpleasant thoughts more effectively than conscious concentration on pleasant ones. - Hans Selye

i am sooo stuck with my life. i've got nowhere to go. i'm neck-deep in debt. barely breathing. barely surviving. i am desperate. hmmm... suicide by billboard along edsa, sounds enticing. i know this is a stupid and self-defeating thought. just rambling i guess. when you worry a lot, you have a very strong tendency to dwell on the things that might go wrong.

i need to look at the bright side. try to concentrate on that. look, really look for the silver lining.

again, just rambling.

scary stuff

an explosion... again, and this time i doubt it has anything to do with methane gas! a bombing right where our congressmen hold their offices, public officials, people who are actually powerful, these people are getting bolder and bolder. and i guess our security in general is getting weaker and more lax. grr... what now? the people in authority always advise us to keep up with our daily activities, not to cower in fear, and show these terrorists that we are not afraid. easy enough to say huh? with all their body guards and security detail while us, NORMAL people, keep on living our normal lives, exposed to all the dangers... just trying to put on a brave face.

whatever. only in the philippines.

someone is rocking the boat

there has been a new guy at the office... and he's fast making "friends". he talks is a very loud voice... often drilling, not asking, our co-workers. he's supposed to be learning from us... but instead of trying to learn from us... i makes us feel like we're so stupid... and he is the almighty gift of God to all bankers in the world!!! grrr.... mr. bigshot... grrr...

don't they care whether the rank and file are happy or not... as long as the work gets done. so proactive...not, huh?

and please, do not attempt to smile at us because it comes out as a silly, irritating smirk... your reputation spread like wild fire even before he took post. bad, bad stories...

i just wish he leaves us alone.

love at first sight

do you believe in love at first sight? i don't. i don't believe you can look at somone from across the room and know that the universe wants you two to be together. there is just no logic. lust in first sight, sure. love? i don't think so. you see an attractive person, you size him up, you look at his eyes, his skin, his rippling muscles... and you let out a sigh... gawd! i'm in love! YEAH RIGHT!

it takes time to know a person... let alone develop friendship with him. that is what i strongly believe in... start as friends. get to know each other. know him when he is happy, get to know him when he's not. study him when he's not aware that you're looking. find out how he is when he is drunk, sober, stressed, hungry, horny, angry, bored... GET TO KNOW HIM. this will take time, and that is what's good about friendship. no pressure. no time frame. you grow, together. then when the time is right, when the stars are aligned. when the fates are smiling down at you... you slowly find yourself swirling... falling in love. believe me, it is the sweetest feeling. more precious than that abrupt feeling you feel in your gut when you see someone goodlooking. that's not love. that's a knee jerk reaction from your body looking to procreate with the best of the species to improve your gene pool. that is genetics. that is biology. that is definitely not love.

two-faced

earlier today, a friend and his colleagues working in a service-related company were harassed by a aggrieved customer. shouting orders here and there. shouting expletives. demanding unreasonable service. then my friend introduced himself. you see they are both members of the same charismatic community. suddenly, a change of expression from this guy. smiles for everybody. bright as sunshine.



two-faced *&^@#...!

GMA and Erap, chummy once more.

just as PGMA generated praise and admiration during her term as the first president to convict a former head of state of plunder... definitely a momentous event in Philippine history, she is now again making generating mixed responses from various camps regarding Erap's clemency. what can i say, except that it reeks with political innuendos, more of pacifying rather that peace keeping. PGMA is just seeking to win over the masses and political rivals from Erap's camp to suit her needs and those of her guys. arghh! the dirty world of politic. one day you are the worst enemies (if it gives you a positive SWS rating, why not?), the next day, you're chummy once more(if it gives you thumbs up from the masses and other strong political figures, why not?).

makes me think back of the times i joined rallys in makati, sneaking out of the office just to shout with the "educated rallyists" Stepdown Erap! time well spent...not! i, as long as thousands others, put our lives on the line to support the ouster of Erap, hoped for a conviction, prayed for a change in this battered nation of ours... beaming momentarily for the "winning moments" of Erap's ouster, Sandigan rulings, house arrest.... only to have the rug pulled under our feet by an EXECUTIVE CLEMENCY. what a waste! what favors are they expecting in return i wonder... yes there was that agreement the Erap will no longer run for office, (sure, save yourself first as usual) but i am sure there are other agreements kept off the press, agreements that will surely affect political kinships in the senate and congress, among the secretaries, heck it will probably even go down to the baranggay level, where they say the jueteng collections really come from... it all boils down to MONEY and POLITICAL FAVORS.

they say: it's just to keep peace in our country, let our wounds from the past heal so that we can move forward... ok, whatever. as if pardoning one former president will miraculously rid the government of festering lowlives who thinks the national treasury is their petty cash fund, wipe clean the national debt from the IMF, give our public education system a makeover and make the Philippines Asia's newest Tiger... ok, whatever. since i can't do anything about it, i will just charge that wasted part of my life to experience. note to self, never trust a person who grins enthusiastically, but who's smile never reaches her eyes, as they say, the eyes are the windows of the soul... i just try and look at the bright side... at least at those rallys, i got to see some artistas, kris aquino being one of them!

(ok, what bright side?!?!)

precious web time

time was when i had ALL the time in the world. when i could read all the books that i wanted to read, watch tv, DAYDREAM... now i can't do all these things anymore... UNINTERRUPTED. there would always be something to drag me back to reality.

i love logging on... although i don't really have any particular site i visit. i blog. i love it.

i read entertainment stuff. i sooo looove the entertainment world. the movies. the gossip. i just wish the state of local entertainment is upgraged too. heck sure the US showbiz don't have a single moral bone (same as here) at least they do their controversies with pizazz!

back to my precious time. i would love to have more time for myself. nearly inpossible though now in my case.

at least i get to sneak in some blogging time.

i wish people would stop bugging me when i am with my laptop. they know i am BUSY... isn't it obvious?!

time... time... time... a most precious commodity. what can i say except....

i want more!... more!... more!!!!

the truth shall set me free

i coming clean. i have another blog somewhere in cyberspace. 2 more actually. one i have somehow built up some readership... but with a very specific audience. i've made friends and i've shared milestones. the other one is more personal. it is more about my conversations with my God. then why the heck am i starting a new one? i guess there is side of me i need to share and release... a side of me i can't write about in my other blogs. the bitchy side. the weird side. the crazy side. we all have one i guess. i know, i know. it is some sort of escape. not accepting that everything is a part of a whole. heck, it's my life and it's my process so beat it! lol!

what i write in my other blogs, those are MY thoughts. what i write here, they are MY thoughts. so what if i can't post them all in one blog. so what if i compartmentalize my life. not the healthiest thing to do, but then again... MY LIFE right?

so what if i have a side of me that i don't want friends and family to know about...yet. the important thing is i am not keeping things bottled in my chest until i become too strung up that i'd get a gun and start a killing rampage at the nearest grade school. i am keeping it real. for myself at least... for the meantime.

ok, enough explanations. there it is. i am bitchy sometimes... no apologies.

new look

i decided to change the look of my blog from inspiring and relaxing green to dark and twisted black. maybe i can go deeper into my soul and find something to write about... that is if my life is not so darn BORING! so i decided to get the cutting edge look... well as they say black is the new... well, black. ooooh, so daring... bleech!

ok, so what now? i am thinking i need to be more free in writing in this blog. i need to free the maaany personalities that i have. maybe someone in there can write something worth reading someday...

a new strategy

ok, so the entertainment plan didn't pan out... but then again, almost most of my endeavors end up this way...it doesn't mean i'd throw in the towel and slither away... i will just put it in a drawer in my crazy head for safekeeping, someday when i am goin' crazy out of boredom, i'll take a peek in that drawer and we'll see what i can do...

ok, that said, what do i intend to do now? write. write. write.

about what you ask? anything and everything.

ok, so what about that glorietta blast? hmmm... i was away busy with something when that happened. thankfully i was faaaar away from "ground zero"... so i didn't really get what actually happened except when i passed TV sets along the way... there was a blast... there were casualties... they were pointing the blame to a friggin' LPG... nope, wait a minute, it was definitely a bomb... nope, stop the presses... it was actually SHIT.

too bad, people got hurt with what? shit. it was one hell of a freak accident. death by feces.

although, i am still not entirely convinced that menthane gas ? and diesel brought about such destruction, a little voice in my head keeps on saying "it's just damage control... it is REALLY a bomb!" ... but then who listens to that little voice in my head anyway, just one of my maaany personalities trying desperately for some exposure time...

setting up an entertainment blog

a crazy thought just popped in my head. since i looove movies and actors and actresses... i'm thinking about putting up an entertainment blog. hmmm... sounds promising yet it will entail a lot of work i am sure! i still haven't decided on how i will do it though... i'm just thinking that eventually i would like to make money out of it... so it will have to be a personal blog so that i can post PPP posts there when i decide to accept ads... hmmm... will figure something out.

i am fat again

i've stopped goin to the gym for more than a month now. and yes, i am fat again. i also gave up on the diet. i really need to start my diet again. early this year i said i am going to get hold of my life since this year i turn thirty. and yet i am still here, fat, sitting on my ass. still unhappy as can be!

back slide

i again succumbed to my evil addiction. i did what i promised not to do anymore. i have been through this road before... when i did what i wasn't supposed to and end up feeling resentful... i again bought books when i still have tons of unread materials in my closet... i gives me pleasure... buying these books. i don't resent the fact the i bought these books, i just resent the fact that i had to pay lots of money again! in dire straits as we are, we don't really need the added burden of my books... but there they are... all 6 of them. the newest part of my closet collection. oh well... i mostly bought books on how to improve my life, how to deal with people, how to improve my spiritual life, how to be a good writer. looking back, it's obvious to see how unhappy and unsettled i am with my life, since i seem to be constantly finding ways to improve it. the only problem is that i often read and get blown away by the ideas but i don't really act on it. i really should grow a spine. i just know it in my heart that the Lord didn't mean for me to live like this!

i am a writer

i am a writer, and i am finally writing... for myself at least. i read a book called writing down the bones, and the author believed that if you wanted to write, you should write everyday of every week. just write. don't think about the grammar, the spelling , the plot, the sense. just write. what ever pops in your head, no matter how crazy these thoughts maybe. just write.

and so this is what i'm doing now. writing. writing about whatever pops in this crazy head of mine.